Extremely Uneasy.

That's probably the best way to describe my state of mind at the moment.

The following post is quite rambly. Consider yourself warned.

The party went well, despite low attendance by my friends. Only four of my college friends came of the thirteen who had RSVP'ed, but there were six hometown friends there too. I was tempted to feel like a loser, since my brother had a much larger turnout of his friends, but I tried to keep in mind that he has been living in the area a while, and his friends live nearby. I refused to let myself get upset- instead I let myself get drunk. It ended up being a lot of fun, so I can't complain.

The weird thing was that the ex didn't come- the ex that still talks all the time of wanting to get married and have kids and all that. He usually calls me several times a day, and gets upset if he doesn't get to speak to me all day. However, the last time I talked to him was Thursday evening. He said he was going to come late to the party on Saturday, and I expected him to be there. However, I was unable to reach him Friday, Saturday, yesterday, or today, with multiple attempts each day. I had been wishing he wouldn't try to call me quite so much, but not talking to him at all for 4 days is very out of character for him, and I'm starting to get really worried. He's not the kind to get mad and ignore me without at least letting me know he's mad first. Not that he has a reason to be mad.... very strange.

One thing that makes me wonder if something is up, is something that happened last week. He called me and told me that the father of his high school girlfriend was hit by a car and was in a coma and a bodycast. He was very upset, and said he was going to go visit him in the hospital. He always calls his ex "hell-bitch", but talks about how close he was with her father, since he didn't have a son. When I explained the situation and my not being able to reach him to my mom, she asked if it was possible that he's suddenly interested in her again. I want to think that's very unlikely, but hell, anything's possible. I mean, I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but it's still weird to think of him with someone else. Especially someone he's always referred to as "hell-bitch". Mostly, I'm just worried that something may have happened to him. We don't have mutual friends, so it's likely that I wouldn't be notified if something did happen. Hmmm. Like I said, extremely uneasy.

To add to that, I watched "My Boys" tonight- the show about the chick with all guy friends. I've never watched it before, but my guy friends have jokingly called me "PJ" (the chick's name) and have insisted that I watch it. Well, tonight I did, and the first of the two episodes that aired had eery similarities to some recent events in my life. PJ has a close guy friend with whom she has had a lot of chemistry for a while. Finally (in a previous episode) they wind up kissing, and then she kinda bolts afterwards. After that, it was weird between them, and in this episode, he actually starts dating a new girl.

my boy's season one recap

Ok, weird. I know that's a common scenario, but let me explain. I had liked this guy friend of mine for like 5 years, but he moved away for a few years, then came back. Well, ever since seeing each other at a party last year, we've had crazy chemistry and whatnot. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend. We talked all the time, but it was always innocent talk. He talked about wanting a girlfriend, and I tried to help him find one (although I secretly wished it was me). Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, and soon thereafter on a night that I went out with the guys, we ended up kissing (nothing beyond that). We were both crashing at another guy's house, so when I woke up and realized what had happened, I kinda freaked. I waited for a bit for him to wake up, and then ended up just leaving. After that there was a big weirdness between us. It was not discussed. I took the weirdness as rejection and made a series of bad decisions that pretty much screwed any chances I had with him. However, there was still chemistry. Anyway, he just got a girlfriend. I'm upset about it, but I have no right to be, because I was the one who messed things up.

Ok the rambling took me offcourse, as usual, but the point is- close guy friend, kissing, weirdness, new girlfriend. Funny thing is that PJ looks much like me, her guy friend looks much like my guy friend, and PJ's guy is now dating an asian girl, as is my guy friend. I'm not suggesting anything crazy like them basing it on me, I'm just saying it made me very uncomfortable, since I had been trying to avoid thinking about it so I wouldn't get upset. It was like every time something happened on the show, I was like "Come on! Seriously stop it, you're freakin me out."

My friend and his new girlfriend had said they were maybe comin to my party, but they were no-shows. It's for the best anyway, because I would have probably been all bummed out about seeing them together- I have not yet been exposed to them as a couple.

One thing that caused my post-makeout freakout with him was something he said a while back, when we were talking about him trying to find a girlfriend. Apparently, some girl he wasn't interested in was interested in him, and he jokingly said to me "I'll just tell her I'm bipolar, that'll get rid of her". He has no idea that I'm bipolar, so I tried not to hold it against him, but it felt like a major punch in the stomach. I was pretty upset about that. After the makeout, I thought about the possibility of us actually dating, and because we're both in a closeknit group of friends (guy friends except for me), when he inevitably found out I was bipolar, the secret would be leaked to all the friends, and I'd be different to all of them. I couldn't stand the thought. So I freaked.

This is a bad precedent- I haven't dated anyone but that one ex since my bipolar diagnosis (who I had been dating before the diagnosis as well), and it appears that it's going to put a major strain on my future dating behaviors. *Sigh*.

Ok that was a lot of rambling. I had to get it out. I feel a little better, a little unburdened, but still uneasy. I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.