Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Evening.

I'm a little bummed out at the moment, because the weather forecast for this Saturday is 60% chance of rain, so that could put a serious damper on the river party plans. Shit. The fact that many people have to come from an hour away- college friends- means that many will likely be scared off by the weather predictions. Plus, since as I mentioned earlier, there are 40 people who said "maybe", I guessin most will be pushed to no. I'm trying my best to keep a positive attitude that it will be fun no matter what the weather and if a small number of people come, that's okay. However, I can't honestly say it wouldn't be hugely disappointing to plan a huge party, with outdoor games and boating and whatnot, and end up stuffing people into the house on a gloomy day to drink beers on the couch. I'm trying to plan some fun stuff in the case of a house party- beer olympics perhaps. Gotta stay positive.

It's been really hard to avoid being depressed lately... I feel like I'm walking on shaky ground at the moment. I just graduated from college, and I'm staying with my parents right now. I have come to find that although I have a cum laude communication arts degree that should translate into a graphic arts or advertising job, most jobs of that nature require that you know web design, which I don't. I've gone and bought some books on how to use the programs- Dreamweaver, Flash, etc.; and I'm finding that they are going to be much more challenging to learn than I originally thought (or at least hoped). Every design job I've seen listed wants a minimum of a few years experience. It reminds of that commercial- I think its for Old Spice or something- with the sophisticated looking guy talking about experience. “If you have it, you don’t need it. If you don’t have it, you want it. You need it to get more of it. Without it, you can’t get any of it.”

I actually googled it and found it. So here it is. (sidenote: if you haven't noticed yet, I'm a google fanatic. I google everything. I should buy a google t shirt.)


Anyway, it's so true. How can you get experience when every opportunity requires that you already have experience? So maddening. I need to go ahead and apply for those jobs instead of wussing out whenever I see that in a job description. I'm scared of getting a "grownup job". I never think I'm good enough. Everyone elses says I am, but I'm the most self-critical person on the planet.

The whole thing has me bummed. I took five years to finish college because I switched majors. I was a semester ahead of schedule before that, thanks to 18 AP credits, so even with the major switch it should have been 4 1/2 years. Unfortunately, I had to take a semester off when I had my big manic episode junior year, which pushed it to five. Because of this, most of my high school friends have been out of college for a year, and either have or are on their way to getting their shit together, whereas I have no freakin clue what I'm doing. I'm in debt by 950 dollars as a result of getting a credit card and having no self control, and I have no savings. Add to that that I'm an art school graduate, and it's hard to stay positive right now.

I keep getting majorly caught up in the "what might have been"s. I got really good grades in high school- finished 19th in my class (should have been higher, but even after senioritis I pulled through with a 3.9 thanks to all of my AP credits), got a 1380 SAT, three varsity letters, NHS, etc etc etc. Everyone told me I should be a lawyer or something really ambitious, but I never doubted my desire to go to art school. I got a full ride, got good grades, and all that jazz. However, now I find myself unemployable, broke, living with my parents, and hearing of all the grand successes of my former classmates. I get really sad thinking about the "glory days" of high school.

I was going to major in advertising, but instead went for the hardest art major to be admitted to- Communication Arts- and got in. I was proud of myself and all, but it turns out that illustration is mostly freelance, which is hard to find success at, and can be a very lonely racket. Had I been an advertising major, I could be going for cushy full time advertising jobs, where I'd be guaranteed hours and steady pay, fast paced work, benefits, and coworkers. They claim that a communication arts degree could lead to an advertising job- the problem is that while they taught us the visual side, we learned nothing about building a campaign, working as part of a team, interacting with clients, or any of that important stuff. This means I'd likely be stuck as a production artist, with little input on the actual campaign- slogans, commercials, radio, all the fun stuff.

But, as I said, I'm really trying to stay positive.

I've been bad about taking my medications for a little while now. I haven't been refusing to take it, but simply forgetting to. Often. A few times a week. I know I'm playing with fire here, especially given my current situation, and I'm worried.

I caught myself having some borderline manic-type thoughts the past few days. While cutting the grass today (which takes like two hours on the riding mower) I got to thinking it would be a good idea to try to write to Maxim or FHM or other such magazine and try to get them to feature me. The idea started because I have seen where they do a feature about girls who write in- usually wanting to get back at an unappreciative exboyfriend after a bad breakup, or a guy that never gave them the attention they deserved- and the magazine does them up and takes a hot picture and writes a little blurb about them. I thought about that because I recently got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship with a guy that was very controlling, and during this time I kind of abandoned my prior life and friends to spend all of my time with him.

I wanted to break up with him for a long time and was pretty miserable for a while, but I am the least assertive and confrontational person you may ever meet, so I put it off forever. I had a lot of guy friends from playing soccer on a frat team, and I started going out with them once a week a few months before I broke up with my boyfriend, and came to realize how much I missed my old life and freedom. I finally broke up with him and started going out with the guys all the time. I became "one of the guys" to them- fun to hang out with, but more like a guy than an actual girl. It was fun but got kind of annoying, since being one of the guys means getting teased like they all do to each other. One of their favorite things to do when we were out was bring up every thing they new about my love life from freshman year, giving much tease time to the more embarrassing parts. It was funny, but they even did it in front of new people that I met, which I was uncomfortable with. Plus, since I'm tall and muscular from playing soccer, they call me "Amazon" and "Gigantor" and "Xena Warrior Princess" all the time. Again, funny, but not entirely flattering. Although they say they think I'm hot, none of them act geniunely interested, and I think it's because I'm stuck in this "one of the guys" role, and they always go for skinny girly girls.

This all leads back to the Maxim idea. I got to thinking, wouldn't it be cool to be in there looking really hot, just as a "I'll show you" to my ex and all the guys. Plus it would be nice for Maxim to acknowledge that girls that are not size 2 and 100 pounds can be hot too. I've always thought it would be fun to get all done up and get some nice pictures taken, but I'm too embarrassed to actually ask anybody I know to take them. I couldn't be serious and sexy, I'd just laugh the whole time to cover my discomfort. Anyway, the whole idea kinda ballooned, and I thought about how I was gonna write the letter and send pictures and all this stuff. I thought, of course they'd want to feature me, and maybe they'd even put in some of my art. At one point I caught myself, thinking, this is starting to sound like the sort of things I was thinking when I was manic. Grandiose schemes, inflated sense of importance, etc. I tried to stop thinking about it.

I don't think I'm manic by any means, I'm not running around with a lot of energy or anything like that. It just kind of scared me, because I realized how easily I could slip back into that state of mind. I'm not entirely ruling out the idea, but I know that there is only a very tiny chance that they'd actually go for it. That's the difference- when I was manic I was absolutely positive that ideas like that would work out. I may just send in some art- I've been doing digital work that pokes fun at celebrities, the kind of thing they often feature, so maybe it would be worth a try.

Okay, once again I've gone and gotten carried away. I always do that when I write. When I was in high school, I was usually the only one that, when given a writing assignment with a page number requirement, had to fight to keep it short enough. I always had to write really small and cramped to fit it in. I'm glad I'm doing this blog thing, because I haven't been writing hardly at all in years, and I used to really love it. That was my thing- art AND writing- and for too long it became just art. It didn't feel right.

On that note, I'm going to thank you for your patience in reading this, if you made it this far. I'm gonna do some sketching and then go to bed. Nighty night.

2 comments:

Alicia said...

Ok, so I skimmed a bit but I'm an impatient reader. hehe Nice to see someone ramble like me!

I started out as a graphic design student, then went to marketing, then anthropology, then GIS, and now, oddly enough, I am employed, FINALLY, as a graphic designer for a (very small) advertising/media firm. It has taken me TEN YEARS to finally get out of the administrative positions I have held and into the field I have dreamed of for so long. It will take me longer to move up no doubt, but I am so flipping happy to be here, it's worth it. Oh...and still don't have my degree, lol. Experience is what got me this job, and it was a tough road, but it's possible. I think with your degree it'll be easier for you, just work on things while looking for a job. :)

Gotta go take my meds before I forget...I missed three days last week and wooooo, notsogood at all. I'll comment more when I get a chance!

Butterfly said...

I LOVE the Maxim idea.

Hell yeah!