Extremely Uneasy.

That's probably the best way to describe my state of mind at the moment.

The following post is quite rambly. Consider yourself warned.

The party went well, despite low attendance by my friends. Only four of my college friends came of the thirteen who had RSVP'ed, but there were six hometown friends there too. I was tempted to feel like a loser, since my brother had a much larger turnout of his friends, but I tried to keep in mind that he has been living in the area a while, and his friends live nearby. I refused to let myself get upset- instead I let myself get drunk. It ended up being a lot of fun, so I can't complain.

The weird thing was that the ex didn't come- the ex that still talks all the time of wanting to get married and have kids and all that. He usually calls me several times a day, and gets upset if he doesn't get to speak to me all day. However, the last time I talked to him was Thursday evening. He said he was going to come late to the party on Saturday, and I expected him to be there. However, I was unable to reach him Friday, Saturday, yesterday, or today, with multiple attempts each day. I had been wishing he wouldn't try to call me quite so much, but not talking to him at all for 4 days is very out of character for him, and I'm starting to get really worried. He's not the kind to get mad and ignore me without at least letting me know he's mad first. Not that he has a reason to be mad.... very strange.

One thing that makes me wonder if something is up, is something that happened last week. He called me and told me that the father of his high school girlfriend was hit by a car and was in a coma and a bodycast. He was very upset, and said he was going to go visit him in the hospital. He always calls his ex "hell-bitch", but talks about how close he was with her father, since he didn't have a son. When I explained the situation and my not being able to reach him to my mom, she asked if it was possible that he's suddenly interested in her again. I want to think that's very unlikely, but hell, anything's possible. I mean, I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but it's still weird to think of him with someone else. Especially someone he's always referred to as "hell-bitch". Mostly, I'm just worried that something may have happened to him. We don't have mutual friends, so it's likely that I wouldn't be notified if something did happen. Hmmm. Like I said, extremely uneasy.

To add to that, I watched "My Boys" tonight- the show about the chick with all guy friends. I've never watched it before, but my guy friends have jokingly called me "PJ" (the chick's name) and have insisted that I watch it. Well, tonight I did, and the first of the two episodes that aired had eery similarities to some recent events in my life. PJ has a close guy friend with whom she has had a lot of chemistry for a while. Finally (in a previous episode) they wind up kissing, and then she kinda bolts afterwards. After that, it was weird between them, and in this episode, he actually starts dating a new girl.

my boy's season one recap

Ok, weird. I know that's a common scenario, but let me explain. I had liked this guy friend of mine for like 5 years, but he moved away for a few years, then came back. Well, ever since seeing each other at a party last year, we've had crazy chemistry and whatnot. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend. We talked all the time, but it was always innocent talk. He talked about wanting a girlfriend, and I tried to help him find one (although I secretly wished it was me). Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, and soon thereafter on a night that I went out with the guys, we ended up kissing (nothing beyond that). We were both crashing at another guy's house, so when I woke up and realized what had happened, I kinda freaked. I waited for a bit for him to wake up, and then ended up just leaving. After that there was a big weirdness between us. It was not discussed. I took the weirdness as rejection and made a series of bad decisions that pretty much screwed any chances I had with him. However, there was still chemistry. Anyway, he just got a girlfriend. I'm upset about it, but I have no right to be, because I was the one who messed things up.

Ok the rambling took me offcourse, as usual, but the point is- close guy friend, kissing, weirdness, new girlfriend. Funny thing is that PJ looks much like me, her guy friend looks much like my guy friend, and PJ's guy is now dating an asian girl, as is my guy friend. I'm not suggesting anything crazy like them basing it on me, I'm just saying it made me very uncomfortable, since I had been trying to avoid thinking about it so I wouldn't get upset. It was like every time something happened on the show, I was like "Come on! Seriously stop it, you're freakin me out."

My friend and his new girlfriend had said they were maybe comin to my party, but they were no-shows. It's for the best anyway, because I would have probably been all bummed out about seeing them together- I have not yet been exposed to them as a couple.

One thing that caused my post-makeout freakout with him was something he said a while back, when we were talking about him trying to find a girlfriend. Apparently, some girl he wasn't interested in was interested in him, and he jokingly said to me "I'll just tell her I'm bipolar, that'll get rid of her". He has no idea that I'm bipolar, so I tried not to hold it against him, but it felt like a major punch in the stomach. I was pretty upset about that. After the makeout, I thought about the possibility of us actually dating, and because we're both in a closeknit group of friends (guy friends except for me), when he inevitably found out I was bipolar, the secret would be leaked to all the friends, and I'd be different to all of them. I couldn't stand the thought. So I freaked.

This is a bad precedent- I haven't dated anyone but that one ex since my bipolar diagnosis (who I had been dating before the diagnosis as well), and it appears that it's going to put a major strain on my future dating behaviors. *Sigh*.

Ok that was a lot of rambling. I had to get it out. I feel a little better, a little unburdened, but still uneasy. I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.

Evening.

I'm a little bummed out at the moment, because the weather forecast for this Saturday is 60% chance of rain, so that could put a serious damper on the river party plans. Shit. The fact that many people have to come from an hour away- college friends- means that many will likely be scared off by the weather predictions. Plus, since as I mentioned earlier, there are 40 people who said "maybe", I guessin most will be pushed to no. I'm trying my best to keep a positive attitude that it will be fun no matter what the weather and if a small number of people come, that's okay. However, I can't honestly say it wouldn't be hugely disappointing to plan a huge party, with outdoor games and boating and whatnot, and end up stuffing people into the house on a gloomy day to drink beers on the couch. I'm trying to plan some fun stuff in the case of a house party- beer olympics perhaps. Gotta stay positive.

It's been really hard to avoid being depressed lately... I feel like I'm walking on shaky ground at the moment. I just graduated from college, and I'm staying with my parents right now. I have come to find that although I have a cum laude communication arts degree that should translate into a graphic arts or advertising job, most jobs of that nature require that you know web design, which I don't. I've gone and bought some books on how to use the programs- Dreamweaver, Flash, etc.; and I'm finding that they are going to be much more challenging to learn than I originally thought (or at least hoped). Every design job I've seen listed wants a minimum of a few years experience. It reminds of that commercial- I think its for Old Spice or something- with the sophisticated looking guy talking about experience. “If you have it, you don’t need it. If you don’t have it, you want it. You need it to get more of it. Without it, you can’t get any of it.”

I actually googled it and found it. So here it is. (sidenote: if you haven't noticed yet, I'm a google fanatic. I google everything. I should buy a google t shirt.)


Anyway, it's so true. How can you get experience when every opportunity requires that you already have experience? So maddening. I need to go ahead and apply for those jobs instead of wussing out whenever I see that in a job description. I'm scared of getting a "grownup job". I never think I'm good enough. Everyone elses says I am, but I'm the most self-critical person on the planet.

The whole thing has me bummed. I took five years to finish college because I switched majors. I was a semester ahead of schedule before that, thanks to 18 AP credits, so even with the major switch it should have been 4 1/2 years. Unfortunately, I had to take a semester off when I had my big manic episode junior year, which pushed it to five. Because of this, most of my high school friends have been out of college for a year, and either have or are on their way to getting their shit together, whereas I have no freakin clue what I'm doing. I'm in debt by 950 dollars as a result of getting a credit card and having no self control, and I have no savings. Add to that that I'm an art school graduate, and it's hard to stay positive right now.

I keep getting majorly caught up in the "what might have been"s. I got really good grades in high school- finished 19th in my class (should have been higher, but even after senioritis I pulled through with a 3.9 thanks to all of my AP credits), got a 1380 SAT, three varsity letters, NHS, etc etc etc. Everyone told me I should be a lawyer or something really ambitious, but I never doubted my desire to go to art school. I got a full ride, got good grades, and all that jazz. However, now I find myself unemployable, broke, living with my parents, and hearing of all the grand successes of my former classmates. I get really sad thinking about the "glory days" of high school.

I was going to major in advertising, but instead went for the hardest art major to be admitted to- Communication Arts- and got in. I was proud of myself and all, but it turns out that illustration is mostly freelance, which is hard to find success at, and can be a very lonely racket. Had I been an advertising major, I could be going for cushy full time advertising jobs, where I'd be guaranteed hours and steady pay, fast paced work, benefits, and coworkers. They claim that a communication arts degree could lead to an advertising job- the problem is that while they taught us the visual side, we learned nothing about building a campaign, working as part of a team, interacting with clients, or any of that important stuff. This means I'd likely be stuck as a production artist, with little input on the actual campaign- slogans, commercials, radio, all the fun stuff.

But, as I said, I'm really trying to stay positive.

I've been bad about taking my medications for a little while now. I haven't been refusing to take it, but simply forgetting to. Often. A few times a week. I know I'm playing with fire here, especially given my current situation, and I'm worried.

I caught myself having some borderline manic-type thoughts the past few days. While cutting the grass today (which takes like two hours on the riding mower) I got to thinking it would be a good idea to try to write to Maxim or FHM or other such magazine and try to get them to feature me. The idea started because I have seen where they do a feature about girls who write in- usually wanting to get back at an unappreciative exboyfriend after a bad breakup, or a guy that never gave them the attention they deserved- and the magazine does them up and takes a hot picture and writes a little blurb about them. I thought about that because I recently got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship with a guy that was very controlling, and during this time I kind of abandoned my prior life and friends to spend all of my time with him.

I wanted to break up with him for a long time and was pretty miserable for a while, but I am the least assertive and confrontational person you may ever meet, so I put it off forever. I had a lot of guy friends from playing soccer on a frat team, and I started going out with them once a week a few months before I broke up with my boyfriend, and came to realize how much I missed my old life and freedom. I finally broke up with him and started going out with the guys all the time. I became "one of the guys" to them- fun to hang out with, but more like a guy than an actual girl. It was fun but got kind of annoying, since being one of the guys means getting teased like they all do to each other. One of their favorite things to do when we were out was bring up every thing they new about my love life from freshman year, giving much tease time to the more embarrassing parts. It was funny, but they even did it in front of new people that I met, which I was uncomfortable with. Plus, since I'm tall and muscular from playing soccer, they call me "Amazon" and "Gigantor" and "Xena Warrior Princess" all the time. Again, funny, but not entirely flattering. Although they say they think I'm hot, none of them act geniunely interested, and I think it's because I'm stuck in this "one of the guys" role, and they always go for skinny girly girls.

This all leads back to the Maxim idea. I got to thinking, wouldn't it be cool to be in there looking really hot, just as a "I'll show you" to my ex and all the guys. Plus it would be nice for Maxim to acknowledge that girls that are not size 2 and 100 pounds can be hot too. I've always thought it would be fun to get all done up and get some nice pictures taken, but I'm too embarrassed to actually ask anybody I know to take them. I couldn't be serious and sexy, I'd just laugh the whole time to cover my discomfort. Anyway, the whole idea kinda ballooned, and I thought about how I was gonna write the letter and send pictures and all this stuff. I thought, of course they'd want to feature me, and maybe they'd even put in some of my art. At one point I caught myself, thinking, this is starting to sound like the sort of things I was thinking when I was manic. Grandiose schemes, inflated sense of importance, etc. I tried to stop thinking about it.

I don't think I'm manic by any means, I'm not running around with a lot of energy or anything like that. It just kind of scared me, because I realized how easily I could slip back into that state of mind. I'm not entirely ruling out the idea, but I know that there is only a very tiny chance that they'd actually go for it. That's the difference- when I was manic I was absolutely positive that ideas like that would work out. I may just send in some art- I've been doing digital work that pokes fun at celebrities, the kind of thing they often feature, so maybe it would be worth a try.

Okay, once again I've gone and gotten carried away. I always do that when I write. When I was in high school, I was usually the only one that, when given a writing assignment with a page number requirement, had to fight to keep it short enough. I always had to write really small and cramped to fit it in. I'm glad I'm doing this blog thing, because I haven't been writing hardly at all in years, and I used to really love it. That was my thing- art AND writing- and for too long it became just art. It didn't feel right.

On that note, I'm going to thank you for your patience in reading this, if you made it this far. I'm gonna do some sketching and then go to bed. Nighty night.

It's the middle of the afternoon now, and it's cloudy, so here we go again...

Since I started this blog last night the whole bipolar thing has been really on my mind (I generally try to suppress it as much as possible).

I got to thinking about how I mentioned that there weren't "bipolar pride parades" in the first post. I wondered if anyone had ever tossed around this idea, and I googled "bipolar pride", just for shits and giggles.

I came across a transcript on CNN.com of Connie Chung interviewing Carrie Fisher- the actress who played Princess Laia (sp?) in the Star Wars Movies and has bipolar disorder. I found myself laughing at the attitude that she has about her situation. As Connie interviews her, she addresses the problem while trying to have a sense of humor about it, and Connie seems like a deadpan dimwit. If I could smack Connie through the screen, I think I would have. Anyway, Carrie was funny, so here's a little tidbit of the interview. Her approach may offend some people, but to me, humor is always the best way to make the best of any situation.

*i have added my own commentary in bold- as if i am sitting in on the interview. **

CHUNG: And Carrie Fisher's latest appearance is right here, right now. Thanks for being here with us.
FISHER: Thank you for having me.
CHUNG: Over the years, you have been so straightforward, nothing but the truth, honesty, your life is all out there for us to know about.
FISHER: Well, there were some lying years.
CHUNG: Oh, yes? OK.
FISHER: Yes. But I've recovered now.
CHUNG: All right. So you have said, and I think this is, obviously, a fascinating part for you to talk about, because most people keep it to themselves. You have said you are mentally ill.
FISHER: I have?
CHUNG: Yes.
FISHER: That must be so difficult for me sometimes. I know... (snickers from me)
CHUNG: Is it curable?
FISHER: ... my -- no, it's not curable. They're coming up with an antibiotic for it soon, but -- no, my mother says...
CHUNG: That is a joke. (me: no shit.)
FISHER: Yes, it is a joke. My -- but it's manageable with medication, and so my mother says, Dear, you're not mentally ill, you're manic depressive. So, mentally ill...
CHUNG: Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. (i now smack Connie. she is unconscious for a few seconds, then climbs back up onto her chair.)
FISHER: It does sound -- well, it does sound so dramatic, but it can be that way, so...
CONNIE: Is -- Debbie Reynolds, of course. Is manic depressive bipolar?
FISHER: It is.
CHUNG: What is this thing -- it's hypomania? Hypomania? (me: gee Connie, do you always go into an interview knowing so little about what you plan to address?)
FISHER: Well, that is a lesser version of it.
CHUNG: And that is what you have?
FISHER: No, no. No, no. I have the -- I have the full shot, I'm proud to say. You know, when I get something, I want to get the whole thing, and I'm volleying for a bipolar pride day, and bipolar bars, which obviously would be open 24 hours. (i laugh)
CHUNG: Of course. Have you ever been to a bipolar restroom?
FISHER: You liar!
CHUNG: No? OK. I haven't.
FISHER: No, but I -- the parades. Don't you think they would be good...
CHUNG: Yes, yes.
FISHER: ...with sort of the depressive floats, with people on mattresses... (i laugh again)
CHUNG: Yes. You are...
FISHER: ... staring off into nothing, frantic, manic.
CHUNG: You are being sick. (i kick connie in the nose. she resumes the interview, her voice now much more nasal.)
FISHER: Well, we just established that I was sick.
CHUNG: Oh, did I say that? OK. We'll continue along these lines.
FISHER: Well, I joke about it.
CHUNG: Yes, I know you do.
FISHER: It is a -- if I didn't, then it would simply be something that was true.
CHUNG: But it is. (i raise my hand as a warning to connie)
FISHER: It is. Absolutely.
CHUNG: OK. What I want to know, though, is you take medication?
FISHER: Yes, I do.
CHUNG: I had read six different types?
FISHER: Oh, God, I hope not. But, yes, it's probably that much.
CHUNG: All right. So, are you ever tempted to not take the medication?
FISHER: Oh, absolutely. Well, yes, because -- and it's also -- any, I think, illness of the mind, your mind will always tell you, you don't have it. So I will still say this is not possible.
CHUNG: Right.
FISHER: I'm, you know, as sane as -- well, not you, but, you know, some of your friends. So I still will think I don't have it. But also, because the manic side of it is so great, it's fantastic. So I would want that back again. It just -- there is a negative fallout. Also, I -- you know -- so, yes, I would want it back but I would not want to put my daughter through that because it's very chaotic.

*I excuse myself, apologizing to connie and giving her a list of suggested reading, so that she doesn't sound like such an idiot in the future. carrie gets a high five.*

...and it goes on... but I thought that was a good part. Sorry if my presence was annoying- I couldn't help myself. And no, I'm not violent, I like to joke about smacking, punching, and kicking people. It comes from having an older brother, 19 years of playing soccer, being friends with lots of frat guys in college, and an obsession with stupid comedy. It has absolutely nothing to do with being bipolar.

It was interesting to read that interview, and further proof that most people not personally exposed to B.D. are ignorant about it. If Connie Chung doesn't know what she's talking about, how can we expect Joe Schmo from the street to be understanding? Of course, this isn't the first time that I've found Connie Chung annoying. But I digress.

Well, I have a coed indoor soccer game in a few hours, and I haven't eaten since noon, so I should probably get on that so I don't feel sick when I start running around. I'm dropping off an application to an art store on the way to the game- not ideal, but at least I'd have a job. Since I know almost everything there is to know about art supplies and have previously worked in an art store, maybe I'll get lucky and get a department head position or something. Who knows. I'll keep ya posted.

I'm throwing a party this weekend, which I'm extremely excited about. According to the invite I sent out, there will be somewhere between 30 and...70 people there. Ha ha how the hell can I plan for food and drinks if I have 40 people who are only "maybe" showing up? I'm gonna let them know that if they don't change to a definite, it'll have to be BYOB and BYOF(food). My off again-yet-still extremely present- ex boyfriend will be coming, along with a few guys i'm interested in. Translation? I'm an idiot asking for drama. Lets hope thats not the case.