Hey anyone who cares to read this... still working the same job.
however, i went out on a limb and joined an internet dating site and met a guy that i really like. he's a few years younger than me, and has my exact same sense of humor. he's really into me, and vice versa, of course. things are almost too perfect, which really makes me nervous, because i haven't brought up the bpd subject. i'm going to wait as long as possible. i hate that i have to make a big unveiling out of it. i always feel like i'm hiding something, but its not like i can go on the first date and say "hi, i'm sunny, i'm bipolar. still wanna date me?"
blah. anywho i'm keeping this short because i went out tonight and honestly i'm a little drunk. the guy i'm seeing is working all night so i went out with guy friends, but since its the holidays there were a few people out tonight that i reeeeally would have preferred to have not seen. meaning people i had serious problems with when i was manic last year. people i was very cool with before the mania; before shit hit the fan with my life. i was happy when they moved outta town for work. however, since its the holidays, of course they had to visit! joy.
blah. the two guys i'm referring to were both nice to me and hugged me when they saw me, but i could definitely sense some hesitation and fakeness. blah. why did last year have to happen? it kills me. i could see them measuring me up... trying to gauge how "sane" i am now.
really awkward. no good. speaking of awkward, i had a car accident and for the past 2 months i have entrusted my vehicle with my exboyfriend, who is a mechanic. we are friends now, which is great, but there is often the awkward moment where he says something that crosses that "friend line". for instance he made fun of me for being late or something when i called him today to ask if my car was ready... and at some point he said "thats why i love you"... half-joking. who am i kidding? it was more than half joking. but the only response i could come up with was some goofy giggle. i mean, yeah, i love him, but in a caring way, an almost family way. and as happy as i am that we're friends now, i get a sense that he sees our friendship as a process of getting close to me again, and being with me again.
i haven't told him i have a new boyfriend. i don't know how thats going to sit with him. honestly, i think it will crush him. ugh i wish i could be one of those girls that does what she wants and doesn't worry about hurting boys. you know, one of those girls that has no problem with playing games. unfortunately, i'm not. i have a conscience, and if i feel like i've used a guy i feel guilty forever.
blah. i'm really sorry for the stream of consciousness nature of this post, and of course the lack of proper capitalization and punctuation. what can i say? its 2 am on a saturday night/sunday morning.
anywho. time marches on. wish me luck!
oh yeah, bonus. i lost 10 pounds! not sure how, but grateful anyhow. happy new year.
Showing posts with label ex boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex boyfriend. Show all posts
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Update on ex situation.
I talked to my ex today, and he's (relatively) okay. Alive and uninjured, at least. He's pretty depressed though. He's down about his ex's Dad's coma, the disintegration of his relationship with his best friend of many years, and the fact that I seem to be building a life here, and not back in the city with him. He thinks I'm forgetting about him and don't love him anymore. I assured him I do love him, but I'm not at any place where I can commit to anything or make any big decisions, because I'm so confused. I hate to feel like I'm leading him on, but I genuinely don't know what to feel about us. ARggggh so frustrating.
Anyway, I'll probably write more later, but I wanted to update, for the readers I may or may not have that may or may not have read the last post and were wondering what happened with that.
....Still weirded out about the My Boys thing. Man, that was weird. Twilight Zone material.
Ok, Hasta Luego.
I talked to my ex today, and he's (relatively) okay. Alive and uninjured, at least. He's pretty depressed though. He's down about his ex's Dad's coma, the disintegration of his relationship with his best friend of many years, and the fact that I seem to be building a life here, and not back in the city with him. He thinks I'm forgetting about him and don't love him anymore. I assured him I do love him, but I'm not at any place where I can commit to anything or make any big decisions, because I'm so confused. I hate to feel like I'm leading him on, but I genuinely don't know what to feel about us. ARggggh so frustrating.
Anyway, I'll probably write more later, but I wanted to update, for the readers I may or may not have that may or may not have read the last post and were wondering what happened with that.
....Still weirded out about the My Boys thing. Man, that was weird. Twilight Zone material.
Ok, Hasta Luego.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Extremely Uneasy.
That's probably the best way to describe my state of mind at the moment.
The following post is quite rambly. Consider yourself warned.
The party went well, despite low attendance by my friends. Only four of my college friends came of the thirteen who had RSVP'ed, but there were six hometown friends there too. I was tempted to feel like a loser, since my brother had a much larger turnout of his friends, but I tried to keep in mind that he has been living in the area a while, and his friends live nearby. I refused to let myself get upset- instead I let myself get drunk. It ended up being a lot of fun, so I can't complain.
The weird thing was that the ex didn't come- the ex that still talks all the time of wanting to get married and have kids and all that. He usually calls me several times a day, and gets upset if he doesn't get to speak to me all day. However, the last time I talked to him was Thursday evening. He said he was going to come late to the party on Saturday, and I expected him to be there. However, I was unable to reach him Friday, Saturday, yesterday, or today, with multiple attempts each day. I had been wishing he wouldn't try to call me quite so much, but not talking to him at all for 4 days is very out of character for him, and I'm starting to get really worried. He's not the kind to get mad and ignore me without at least letting me know he's mad first. Not that he has a reason to be mad.... very strange.
One thing that makes me wonder if something is up, is something that happened last week. He called me and told me that the father of his high school girlfriend was hit by a car and was in a coma and a bodycast. He was very upset, and said he was going to go visit him in the hospital. He always calls his ex "hell-bitch", but talks about how close he was with her father, since he didn't have a son. When I explained the situation and my not being able to reach him to my mom, she asked if it was possible that he's suddenly interested in her again. I want to think that's very unlikely, but hell, anything's possible. I mean, I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but it's still weird to think of him with someone else. Especially someone he's always referred to as "hell-bitch". Mostly, I'm just worried that something may have happened to him. We don't have mutual friends, so it's likely that I wouldn't be notified if something did happen. Hmmm. Like I said, extremely uneasy.
To add to that, I watched "My Boys" tonight- the show about the chick with all guy friends. I've never watched it before, but my guy friends have jokingly called me "PJ" (the chick's name) and have insisted that I watch it. Well, tonight I did, and the first of the two episodes that aired had eery similarities to some recent events in my life. PJ has a close guy friend with whom she has had a lot of chemistry for a while. Finally (in a previous episode) they wind up kissing, and then she kinda bolts afterwards. After that, it was weird between them, and in this episode, he actually starts dating a new girl.
my boy's season one recap
Ok, weird. I know that's a common scenario, but let me explain. I had liked this guy friend of mine for like 5 years, but he moved away for a few years, then came back. Well, ever since seeing each other at a party last year, we've had crazy chemistry and whatnot. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend. We talked all the time, but it was always innocent talk. He talked about wanting a girlfriend, and I tried to help him find one (although I secretly wished it was me). Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, and soon thereafter on a night that I went out with the guys, we ended up kissing (nothing beyond that). We were both crashing at another guy's house, so when I woke up and realized what had happened, I kinda freaked. I waited for a bit for him to wake up, and then ended up just leaving. After that there was a big weirdness between us. It was not discussed. I took the weirdness as rejection and made a series of bad decisions that pretty much screwed any chances I had with him. However, there was still chemistry. Anyway, he just got a girlfriend. I'm upset about it, but I have no right to be, because I was the one who messed things up.
Ok the rambling took me offcourse, as usual, but the point is- close guy friend, kissing, weirdness, new girlfriend. Funny thing is that PJ looks much like me, her guy friend looks much like my guy friend, and PJ's guy is now dating an asian girl, as is my guy friend. I'm not suggesting anything crazy like them basing it on me, I'm just saying it made me very uncomfortable, since I had been trying to avoid thinking about it so I wouldn't get upset. It was like every time something happened on the show, I was like "Come on! Seriously stop it, you're freakin me out."
My friend and his new girlfriend had said they were maybe comin to my party, but they were no-shows. It's for the best anyway, because I would have probably been all bummed out about seeing them together- I have not yet been exposed to them as a couple.
One thing that caused my post-makeout freakout with him was something he said a while back, when we were talking about him trying to find a girlfriend. Apparently, some girl he wasn't interested in was interested in him, and he jokingly said to me "I'll just tell her I'm bipolar, that'll get rid of her". He has no idea that I'm bipolar, so I tried not to hold it against him, but it felt like a major punch in the stomach. I was pretty upset about that. After the makeout, I thought about the possibility of us actually dating, and because we're both in a closeknit group of friends (guy friends except for me), when he inevitably found out I was bipolar, the secret would be leaked to all the friends, and I'd be different to all of them. I couldn't stand the thought. So I freaked.
This is a bad precedent- I haven't dated anyone but that one ex since my bipolar diagnosis (who I had been dating before the diagnosis as well), and it appears that it's going to put a major strain on my future dating behaviors. *Sigh*.
Ok that was a lot of rambling. I had to get it out. I feel a little better, a little unburdened, but still uneasy. I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.
That's probably the best way to describe my state of mind at the moment.
The following post is quite rambly. Consider yourself warned.
The party went well, despite low attendance by my friends. Only four of my college friends came of the thirteen who had RSVP'ed, but there were six hometown friends there too. I was tempted to feel like a loser, since my brother had a much larger turnout of his friends, but I tried to keep in mind that he has been living in the area a while, and his friends live nearby. I refused to let myself get upset- instead I let myself get drunk. It ended up being a lot of fun, so I can't complain.
The weird thing was that the ex didn't come- the ex that still talks all the time of wanting to get married and have kids and all that. He usually calls me several times a day, and gets upset if he doesn't get to speak to me all day. However, the last time I talked to him was Thursday evening. He said he was going to come late to the party on Saturday, and I expected him to be there. However, I was unable to reach him Friday, Saturday, yesterday, or today, with multiple attempts each day. I had been wishing he wouldn't try to call me quite so much, but not talking to him at all for 4 days is very out of character for him, and I'm starting to get really worried. He's not the kind to get mad and ignore me without at least letting me know he's mad first. Not that he has a reason to be mad.... very strange.
One thing that makes me wonder if something is up, is something that happened last week. He called me and told me that the father of his high school girlfriend was hit by a car and was in a coma and a bodycast. He was very upset, and said he was going to go visit him in the hospital. He always calls his ex "hell-bitch", but talks about how close he was with her father, since he didn't have a son. When I explained the situation and my not being able to reach him to my mom, she asked if it was possible that he's suddenly interested in her again. I want to think that's very unlikely, but hell, anything's possible. I mean, I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but it's still weird to think of him with someone else. Especially someone he's always referred to as "hell-bitch". Mostly, I'm just worried that something may have happened to him. We don't have mutual friends, so it's likely that I wouldn't be notified if something did happen. Hmmm. Like I said, extremely uneasy.
To add to that, I watched "My Boys" tonight- the show about the chick with all guy friends. I've never watched it before, but my guy friends have jokingly called me "PJ" (the chick's name) and have insisted that I watch it. Well, tonight I did, and the first of the two episodes that aired had eery similarities to some recent events in my life. PJ has a close guy friend with whom she has had a lot of chemistry for a while. Finally (in a previous episode) they wind up kissing, and then she kinda bolts afterwards. After that, it was weird between them, and in this episode, he actually starts dating a new girl.
my boy's season one recap
Ok, weird. I know that's a common scenario, but let me explain. I had liked this guy friend of mine for like 5 years, but he moved away for a few years, then came back. Well, ever since seeing each other at a party last year, we've had crazy chemistry and whatnot. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend. We talked all the time, but it was always innocent talk. He talked about wanting a girlfriend, and I tried to help him find one (although I secretly wished it was me). Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, and soon thereafter on a night that I went out with the guys, we ended up kissing (nothing beyond that). We were both crashing at another guy's house, so when I woke up and realized what had happened, I kinda freaked. I waited for a bit for him to wake up, and then ended up just leaving. After that there was a big weirdness between us. It was not discussed. I took the weirdness as rejection and made a series of bad decisions that pretty much screwed any chances I had with him. However, there was still chemistry. Anyway, he just got a girlfriend. I'm upset about it, but I have no right to be, because I was the one who messed things up.
Ok the rambling took me offcourse, as usual, but the point is- close guy friend, kissing, weirdness, new girlfriend. Funny thing is that PJ looks much like me, her guy friend looks much like my guy friend, and PJ's guy is now dating an asian girl, as is my guy friend. I'm not suggesting anything crazy like them basing it on me, I'm just saying it made me very uncomfortable, since I had been trying to avoid thinking about it so I wouldn't get upset. It was like every time something happened on the show, I was like "Come on! Seriously stop it, you're freakin me out."
My friend and his new girlfriend had said they were maybe comin to my party, but they were no-shows. It's for the best anyway, because I would have probably been all bummed out about seeing them together- I have not yet been exposed to them as a couple.
One thing that caused my post-makeout freakout with him was something he said a while back, when we were talking about him trying to find a girlfriend. Apparently, some girl he wasn't interested in was interested in him, and he jokingly said to me "I'll just tell her I'm bipolar, that'll get rid of her". He has no idea that I'm bipolar, so I tried not to hold it against him, but it felt like a major punch in the stomach. I was pretty upset about that. After the makeout, I thought about the possibility of us actually dating, and because we're both in a closeknit group of friends (guy friends except for me), when he inevitably found out I was bipolar, the secret would be leaked to all the friends, and I'd be different to all of them. I couldn't stand the thought. So I freaked.
This is a bad precedent- I haven't dated anyone but that one ex since my bipolar diagnosis (who I had been dating before the diagnosis as well), and it appears that it's going to put a major strain on my future dating behaviors. *Sigh*.
Ok that was a lot of rambling. I had to get it out. I feel a little better, a little unburdened, but still uneasy. I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.
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