Ok, so here goes my first actual post. It is now 2:45 in the morning, and I am just now getting to this part. This is because I spent forever working on the design and whatnot- that's the artist in me. There's no way I could put up a white page. ha ha.

Anyway, the whole reason I decided to do this is that several hours ago I felt compelled to Google movies with bipolar characters. I don't know why I bother, I only get frustrated because every bipolar person I've ever seen in a movie or TV show is portrayed negatively- violent, irrational, unstable; someone to be feared. I am bipolar, as is my brother- he actually has bipolar 1 and has had much more severe episodes than I have- and neither of us are scary, mean, or violent people. In fact, we're both big jokesters who love sports, comedy, and the company of good friends. We're not nutjobs, we're just ordinary people who happen to be faced with challenging circumstances that most people don't understand. The media sure doesn't help.

Anyway, while searching for movies I somehow stumbled across a blog written anonymously by a woman with bipolar disorder. Not only did I find myself identifying with much of what she said; following her posts I read comments by numerous other bloggers, giving her support, praise, and encouraging feedback. Holy crap, I thought, you mean there is actually some way for me to talk about this without being judged or ridiculed? I had to get in on the action. So, three hours of photoshop, illustrator, and a new gmail account later, here I am.

It sucks that I have to be so anonymous about this whole thing. The stigma surrounding mental illness is so... disheartening. Telling people about my disorder feels like I imagine people feel about coming out about homosexuality. The sad part is that homosexuals can increasingly embrace their identity publicly, and at lessening degree of damage to their reputations- while the mentally ill largely suffer in silence and shame. You don't see a whole lot of flamboyant "BIPOLAR PRIDE" parades taking place, now do you?

My diagnosis at 21 dealt a devastating blow to my self esteem. My whole life I have been a high achiever and perfectionist. Good grades, athletic excellence, artistic achievements, popularity, etc. I always sought to be better and go farther, always sought perfection. It may sound stupid, but being bipolar, to me, meant that I was flawed. I would never and could never be perfect. This wasn't something I could train or study my way out of. To be told that I would have to take medication for the rest of my life was the hardest. To me, I was being told that the way I was naturally- the way God made me- was not socially acceptable; that I did not possess the strength and ability to be a normal, healthy person. If I'm always medicated, how can I possibly cultivate a sense of self esteem and self worth, or even personality? How do I know if what I'm feeling at any given moment is how I truly feel, or a result of meds? How can you tell me that I'm an amazing person, when I have this one huge, blaring defect.

This isn't a physical malady- this is mental- how you think and feel and react to your surrounding is "YOU". It's your entire reality. I may not have had a major manic or depressive episode in over a year- but I can't help thinking that it's because I'm always "under the influence". I'm constantly drugged. That's a hard thing to swallow. Other people can be so insensitive about this, saying "if it makes you better, why would you not want to take it?" They don't even try to imagine what being forced into medication feels like. It's telling you that you can't do it alone, no matter how hard you want to.

With this always in the back of my mind, it has become harder to believe in myself to accomplish things- things totally unrelated to bipolar, like career goals and financial success. It's as if the air has been let out of my balloon. I'm so afraid to do anything now- it's crippling. I am an artist, and although I know I am talented, I'm fearful of becoming well known- what if I become manic, and publicly embarrass myself and expose my secret? The idea of everyone knowing- even people who don't know me personally- is absolutely terrifying. The fact that it could happen at any time without warning scares the ever-living shit out of me. I'm not worried about hurting myself or others, but I'm damn sure worried about hurting my reputation and that of my family.

During my manic episode I made a very public fool of myself at work- I said some things that didn't make much sense, and got worked up and yelled at my boss, who had been an unfair asshole to me for no reason for a long time. Afterwards, though I had considered myself fired- my Dad called the manager and explained about my bipolar disorder, and I was back at work the next week. I reluctantly returned, but it was evident from the moment I walked in the door that everyone knew; they were all looking at me differently, acting funny around me and not talking to me much. These were coworkers that I had been very cool with, laughing and joking for 30 hours a week for a year, and suddenly they were all treating me like a crazy person. I had to leave- I went and sat in my car and just cried and cried. It makes me cry to think about it now. I didn't want to be bipolar. It wasn't fair- I was a good person, I worked hard and loved my family and friends, why was this happening to me? After that day, I was very depressed for months. I withdrew from my classes that semester and went to stay with my parents- I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a long time. I didn't talk to my school friends much- they didn't know what was happening- the semester was in full swing and they had their own lives to think about.

I pulled myself together and returned to school in the spring, acting like nothing had happened. I blamed my withdrawal on "family problems" and didn't speak of it beyond that. To this day only a handful of my friends know, and my immediate family. I'm terrified every day of a relapse. I keep smiling and joking and pushing on, but I don't feel secure.

Well geez it's late now. My sleep habits are horrible lately since I am jobless, I need to change that. I'm sorry this post was so long; bless you if you sat through the whole thing. I figured I should lay out some backstory right off the bat so we can move forward from there.

I'd love some feedback, so feel free to leave a comment. It's off to bed for me....