Trying to Chart a New Course

Okay, so I realize that the last post was both ridiculously long and quite a downer. I'll try to be a little more brief and positive this time.

My family went to visit my brother this weekend for his birthday. He's a few years older than me, and has bipolar as well. Unlike me, he has found career success and has been living a stable and productive life for some time. It can be difficult to not compare myself to him and seem completely inadequate. I wrote the previous post on Friday night, so I was deep in comparison and self loathing. I can't say that I feel a whole lot better, but I am trying to find strength to move forward and improve myself instead of wallowing.

The way I see it, I won't be happy with myself until I get some confidence back. I won't get confidence back until I try something and succeed. Rather than waiting around for a chance success, there are things that I can do to work towards setting myself up for that success.

For one, I've decided to take a few classes at the community college to improve my computer skills. On my resume I have indicated that I'm skilled in Microsoft Office and Adobe CS - namely Illustrator, Photoshop, and InDesign. If I were completely honest with myself and my prospective employers, I'm actually only truly comfortable with Word, Outlook, and Illustrator, moderately comfortable in Photoshop and Powerpoint, and nearly clueless in InDesign, Excel, and Access. This presents a problem, since most jobs that I would be shooting for require these skills. So what can I do? I could either tell myself I'm stupid and inadequate, or I can do something about it. It does me no good to get my foot in the door by fudging my resume if I'm going to be completely clueless once thrown into the workplace.

To improve my skills, I have found two classes to take at the community college - Desktop Publishing 1, which covers InDesign; and Web Design 1. I'm a little intimidated by the idea of going back to school- I haven't taken a class in over 4 years. I figure rather than buy how-to books and let them collect dust on my bookshelf, I need some structure, assignments, and most of all, accountability. It's too easy for me to say "I'll buy a book and learn it" and never really get into it, or skim though it without absorbing the information. I hope that by taking a class, I will learn by doing and not have to rely on self-motivation. Honestly, self-motivation is clearly not my strong suit at this point.

In addition to taking those classes to increase my computer knowledge, I am going to work towards an ultimate goal of doing a mini-triathlon with my brother. I haven't fully worked out when that will happen, but for now I'm trying to take up biking regularly and increase my distance with running. I need to find a gym where I can swim- I still have a membership down by my old apartment at Gold's Gym, which I'm getting charged for every month. I can either pay to end that membership or pay to have it transferred to the Gold's that is about 15 minutes away. However, I'm fairly sure that they don't have a pool. The other option is the YMCA, which I'm positive has a pool, and is closer. I'd like to go that route, and I'm hoping Gold's won't charge me a fortune to end my membership. I'm guessing they will. On a positive note, I biked a short distance this morning and got new running shoes, which I wore on a 3.5 mile run an hour ago. Woot woot, progress.

Of course the topic I've avoided addressing so far is that I'm currently unemployed. It feels like shit. After my final paycheck comes in the mail from my most recent job, I will have no source of income. I have applied to a couple of retail stores in the area, which honestly feels like a huge step backwards. However, if I can't handle design jobs right now, retail may be my only option.

I'll take a second to say this, then get back to attempted optimism: How did I get to this point? How did I go from such success in school to feeling unable to do anything besides work retail and living back at home with my parents?

Okay, back on subject. My brother gave me the book "Body for Life", which addresses setting 5 major three month goals for fitness and life in general and tracking them on a weekly basis. I got out my dry erase board and wrote down some goals - get down to 155 pounds and participate in Triathlon, pay off medical bills and credit card, build up savings and improve credit score, become comfortable with Microsoft Office and Adobe CS, Move out of parents' house, and get closer to siblings.

Unfortunately, that's more than 5, and most are ill-defined and not clearly measurable, as well as being unrealistic expectations for a three month time period. My assignment for tomorrow, since it's nearly midnight, is to think of 5 measurable and attainable goals to reach by November 20th. I'm also supposed to think of reasons I want to attain each goal, three unauthorized patterns of action that hold me back, and three new patterns of action that will help me reach my goals. My brother has apparently used this method for 10 years. Every week he types in how he worked toward each goal during the previous week. Since my board is divided into Long Term Goals and Weekly Goals, I'm thinking I need to erase the whole thing, get it worked out more clearly on paper, and then rewrite it more clearly, with 5 3 month goals at the top, and a weekly goal in each of the five categories at the bottom. I'm generally not particularly organization-oriented, but it has become clear that I need to find a system and put it to work immediately.

There is a reason that I have been largely stagnant in my career and general knowledge progress since college. It's hard to admit, but I require external structure and direction. When left on my own to float in the breeze, I waste the day chasing butterflies instead of finding a path and following it. I procrastinate, I make vague plans with no concrete plan to execute them, and I coast by on what gets me through the day. If I don't have assignments, I don't produce. I am scared to take risks if I'm not held accountable- I may have been an honor student in college, but four years out from graduation I haven't sent out a single illustration portfolio to a magazine, newspaper or publisher. That's truly pathetic. I don't even have enough work to make a portfolio. Without someone giving me weekly assignments, I accomplish nothing.

Now, I don't mean to place the blame on some outside source; it's my own fault. Now that I recognize that I have a weakness in working outside of a structured and performance based environment, I have to find a way to create structure and performance goals for myself. This is really uncomfortable for me; I am easily distracted and discouraged lately, not to mention the fact that I've never cultivated an ability to plan progress effectively. A system is not going to fall into place and be comfortable right away, but the only way to progress is to create a structure and plan and jump in.

Tomorrow, I will make 5 goals for the next three months and I sign up for the two classes. I will also exercise, eat healthy, and try to work on one of my unfinished art projects. That's the plan anyway (<--look! I'm planning already!) Of course theres also the issue of applying for jobs... I'll apply for at least one tomorrow, even if it's just retail. Meh.

I'll update soon with my five goals and I'll keep you posted on my progress in future blog posts.

Currently my mood is cautiously optimistic, and mostly determined. Self-doubt is ever-present in my mind, and guilt and regret are still weighing down my feet, but I will not let them keep me from moving forward. I can't. I can do better, and I owe myself better. I deserve to be happy, and I won't be happy if I'm not trying, progressing, and succeeding. In the past, I've coasted by with "good enough", but if I'm honest with myself, I'm happiest when I'm pushing my limits and charging into new territory. Wish me luck!